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Summary

A health condition should not keep you from the benefits that come from dating such as companionship, fun, or seeking a loving relationship with a person who wants to be with you. You are a person living with a health condition. You are not  the condition. The condition is only one part of who you are.

Dating can be affected by changes in your body, concerns about sex, and even the diagnosis by itself. The fear of being rejected keeps some people from seeking the social life they would like to have. 

  • Try not to let your health condition be an excuse for not dating or trying to meet people. 
    • Focus on the positive. 
    • Be proud of your body. It got you this farthrough treatment! 
    • Think of things that help you feel more attractive and confident.
  • Think about dating as a learning process with the goal of having a social life you enjoy. Not every date has to be perfect. If some people reject you (which can happen with or without cancer), you have not failed. Try to remember that not all dates worked out before you had cancer.
  • Find the right time to tell about your cancer and treatment. If you are axnious about what to say, practice. For more information about when to disclose and how, see: When and How To Tell A Date About Your Diagnosis. (Note: If you "Google" yourself and find references to you and your health condition, even if it is just as a volunteer for a health related non-profit,  the first date is a good time to bring it up on the assumption that your date has, or likely will, "google" you.)

Do not be surprised if the type of people you want to date has changed since your diagnosis. Just think of it as part of your New Normal.

Do not assume that people will reject you just because of your diagnosis or any other reason. Dating is still about common interests, a sexual attraction, forming new social ties. However, rejection was probably part of your dating life before your diagnosis. It's part of what happens. Dating has always involved risks. If it didn't stop you before, it shouldn't stop you now.

The first steps can be the hardest.

It may be helpful to talk with other unmarried people with your condition who have faced the same situation. 

If you find that you are unable to date, or that dating is more than usually stressful, seek help with a professional mental health expert or with a support group -- particularly if you feel as if you are constantly feeling depressed or isolated. Issues are likely to seem different when you talk them through with another trained or experienced person. Who knows? If you join a support group you may even meet the person you've been looking for in the safe environment of a support group.

  • For information about choosing a mental health professional, click here. 
  • For information about the value of support groups, including the practical information you a re likely to learn, as well as how to find one that works for you in person, on the phone or on line, click here.

NOTE:

  • For information about kick starting a date, click here.
  • For information and tips about sex and intimacy, click here.

To Learn More

When And How To Tell A Date About Your Health Situation

WHEN TO DISCLOSE

There is no right or wrong time for telling a date about your health history. Following are three practical suggestions from patient advocates. 

  • Suggestion 1: Put yourself in the other person's shoes. When would you want to know? 
  • Suggestion 2: Consider telling on the 4th date. On dates 1, 2 and 3 you are getting to know each other. For example, people don't generally talk about their crazy mother on the first or even the second date. If you're on date number 4, the odds are you want to go on with a fifth etc.
  • Suggestion 3: Bring it up fairly early in a relationship, after you have a sense of trust and friendship with the person. If you are rejected, it happens before you become too deeply involved. That doesn't mean bringing it up on the first date, though a first date is okay. See how open and sharing the other person is about his or her personal life and history. 

As you' may have noted, each of the above 3 suggestions  3 suggest telling sooner rather than later. Reports indicate that it is not good to wait until you are just about to have sex to bring up your health history. With these ideas in mind, follow your instincts.

NOTE: Assume that a potential date has "googled" your name. TO find out what he or she is likely to learn,  "Google" your name in popular search engines such as Bing, offsite link Dogpile offsite link, Google a offsite linknd Yahoo offsite link. If references appear which link your name with a particular health condition, it may be wisest to assume that your date already knows.

HOW TO DISCLOSE

The more informed and relaxed you are when informing a date about your health, the more relaxed he or she will be. 

  • If you are worried about how you will handle telling someone, practice what you will say in front of a mirror.
  • Think about how the other person might react and the questions that may be asked. For instance; "So, what does this mean? Kids? Sex? Physical changes?" Be ready with a response. 
  • Consider role playing with a friend to hone how you disclose and how you respond to your date's various possible responses. 

 

Some Suggestions To Kick Start Dating

Following are some ideas which have helped other people start dating.

  • Start by working on other areas of your social life besides dating and sex. Activities can increase your comfort level about being around new people. For example:
    • Make an effort to see friends and family.
    • Try a new activity.
    • Join a club.
    • Take a class.
  • Make a list of your good points -- particularly what you can bring to a relationship.
  • Think about dating as a learning process with the goal of having a social life you enjoy.
  • Keep in mind that if a person rejects you, you have not failed. Did all your dates before your diagnosis work out?
  • It may be worth your while to check out the web site: www.prescription4love.com offsite link. Prescription4Love is a for-profit site that matches people with a similar health condition.
  • If you meet people online, before your meeting, check to see if the person has a profile at TrueDater.com offsite link. TrueDater is a free site that  lists people who have not been truthful when seeking dates. 

For people with HIV/AIDS:

A website devoted spefically to meeting people who also have HIV/AIDS is sponsored by POZ Magazine: www.PositivePersonals.com offsite link